Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
