Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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