'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
