I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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