Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
