Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Houston, we have a squirter
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
