you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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