dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I forgot wine drunk hurts
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
