2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
