First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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