I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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