I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
