so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
