We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
