I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
