i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
