I can text with my tongue
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
