This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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