You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
