Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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