The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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