If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Randomize
