i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
