We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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