got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You pole danced in your parka.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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