just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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