Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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