you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
