I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
