I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
