drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
