so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
