I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
