so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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