She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Then you guys just all showered together...?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
