Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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