so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize