just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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