EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pants are for mortals
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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