If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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