I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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