I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
