and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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