As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
