We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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