I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
