"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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