I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
bring money and cleavage
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize