nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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