i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
