You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
