The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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