Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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