3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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