apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Please, let me fuck your mom
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
