well I can't set my house on fire every night
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize