Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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