dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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