its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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