Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
