what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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