The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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